Darkness of My Own Desires
by kurogandaa
Summary: [ONESHOT]What happens when Yugi's darker half is having self doubt and feels unworthy of love from his light? YamixYugi


"Yami, will you hurry up already?" I hear a familiar voice calling me, coming from downstairs, sounding quite impatient. "Yes, yes I will be down in a minute!" I really don't know why it took me so long to get ready every time me and Yugi wanted to go somewhere.

"You are saying this for third time. It's just a walk, not a fashion show you know."

I could sense a small dose of teasing in his voice, he knew how much I liked to be dressed in style. Not really knowing where I picked that habit from, it always took me forever before finding appropriate clothes when going anywhere with my aibou. But it wasn't really all about the clothes. That astonished look when he saw my figure, and the words he always said to me always made me feel a little nervous over such nonsense, I was never really sure if he will like it or not. "You are beautiful." Deep inside me, I knew that clothes had nothing to do with it, it was me and my appearance alone that made my light say those three words to me. I was like that because of him, and for him.

Then I actually grab first thing that comes under my hand, a black sleeveless leather shirt to go with my leather trousers. Wow, it took me so much time to actually pick same option I did for most of the time? By all the gods, love does mess with your mind to the level, that you are unable to think of the simplest things. But I am really keeping my loved one waiting.

I rush down to the stairs that I always hated so much. Probably because they added extra time when I desperately tried getting to my loved one. Even if it only was a few seconds, I regretted it because I knew that by that time I could have him close to me already.

Half way though the stairway, I hear the three magic words, "You look beautiful" coming from the only person from which those words meant something to me. He is standing there, waiting for me for at least ten minutes. His eyes are full of expectation, we both knew that hours that followed would belong to us, and us alone. With small smile on my face and big smile on the inside I approach my partner, offering my hand. He immediately accepts it, holding it strong, with a strength that you wouldn't expect from such gentle boy as he was. I love the feeling of it, I fell secure with him, his warmth and concern flow within me.

The streets were surprisingly calm for the end of week. Usually at this time streets were full with busy people, doing all sort of things. Right now, there was only few like Yami and Yugi themselves, trying to find their small measure of peace after a very exhausting week.

Weather was just about right as well – not too hot and not too warm. Wind was blowing gently, to the exposed skin it felt like someone was caressing it, like the hand of unexperienced lover. Sun lost it's power weeks ago, it was no longer hot, but it was still strong enough to keep everyone who was outside warm.

The two walked hand in hand and not really noticing the world around them. Yugi was busy telling what happened at school today, while Yami was listening with full attention and laughing at the adventures of his love and the friends. Yami spend a lot of time with the group of best friends of Yugi, that were also his friends. They both knew how amusing they could be, especially the two guys, Joey and Tristan - always in each others hair and Tea, who really was the best friend they could have, full of understanding and advices. She could never completely get over the loss of the two men she ever loved, but she was happy for them both. She knew there was someone for her as well. Time heals all wounds. Someday...

Their pace was slow, it seemed like the time did not exist nor mattered at the moment. After a while

they stopped at the bridge, to admire the sight of a sun slowly going into the night. Under he bridge there was a river, glowing in the might of the sunset, it's surface sparked like a pearl. Loosing track of time like they always did, they did not notice it has been several hours since leaving their home. It was getting a little cold, but it was true that it's the love that keeps you warm when you are loosing the warmth in the outside world.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Yugi admired the sunset. The moments when sun was saying goodbye indeed were breathtaking. Even more when it rose up in the morning. It seemed to remind everyone that nothing lasts forever. Everything must come to a end at some point. But with the sun, it seemed like the only reason it sets in the evening is that it can come back at the dawn. Sun is like love – you cannot survive without either of them. Love is the sun – the light and warmth that keeps your heart beating, that gives your life a meaning, a purpose. And a realization. You don't want to be alone.

Yami certainly agreed with his partner about that one – the sight of it truly was something special.

"But is it as beautiful as me?" Yami asked, half joking.

"Nothing could ever be like you..."

Yami was a bit uncomfortable by those words, he didn't actually mean the question he asked, he wanted to apologize. But no further words were necessary when he saw the look in the eyes of his light. If Yami was partially joking Yugi certainly wasn't. Yami closed his eyes and gently stroke the hair of his lover with his fingers and moving Yugi is close to himself as possible, holding him into tight embrace. Feeling the warmth and love coming from Yugi, they wanted to stop the time, capture the moment and take it to a place where it would last forever...

"You know I remember coming here when I was younger, when I didn't even know you. There is something that calmed me down and let me forget about the troubles I had, even if just for a moment... It's all different now, now that I have you..." The words were sincere, seemed unimportant, but they came from the heart. Yugi's life indeed has been difficult before uniting with former spirit of the puzzle that was now walking around in flesh and blood. Yugi treasured and loved his darkness more than anything else in this world, he was the one who changed him the most, gave him courage, gave him strength, gave him love.

But still there was something that caused an unfamiliar pain in the heart that should know no more torment, the heart that never spoke about what it was troubled about.

It was something about those words that I just couldn't overhear, something about the word "remember". I remembered it. All too well. The sadness in the voice of my love, the sadness that I could not explain made me remember about me. Who I was. Who I am. Do I want to be any different? From the times I was an all powerful pharaoh controlling legions and armies, times I did not even know who I was, or where I came from, until now. I am now madly in love with the boy I swore to protect ever since I first became aware of my own existence. I loved him, and he loved me, but at what cost?

I had hurt him more than once. I shattered his innocence, taken his life. I possessed him and he possessed me, only my possession was more poisoning him but also myself at the same time, until I sometimes don't even know what it's right or wrong anymore. I gambled his soul for the sake of the victory, I hurt people, but anything I ever did was for him, as he did everything for me. But it was different, despite everything we have been through together, I have the feeling that I am taking more from him than giving back, slowly draining the life of an angel I did not deserve, an angel that was looking over me. He is my power. My pleasure. My pain... I am the only world he truly lives in. Am I worth it?...

"Mou hitori no boku..." What the... the mind link? I can feel the blank expression on my own face that suddenly turns into big question mark when a whisper with a name I haven't heard of ever since the last duel Yugi and I had comes trough my mind ... I am touched that he brought it out on such a moment, it was like he knew exactly what I was thinking about in this very moment. I would cry, if I remembered how. I am afraid to look in his eyes, afraid that of what he might find in there. Fear, doubt and disbelief.

"Yes, my love?" I try to do my best and hide my thoughts away from him. He already knows more than he should.

With the corner of my eyes I look into his own and I know which question is coming next.

"What is wrong?" Despite the fact that my self doubt lasted only for few seconds, Yugi noticed it immediately. He is always looking for me, even in the moments like this he would put me as first. He is my guardian, guardian that wouldn't let even the slightest thing slip. It just made me feel worse.

I feel the sadness of his eyes desperately trying to contact mine, looking for an answer he already knew. I did not spoke another word. Neither did he. The silence is deadly.

"Nothing aibou, it's nothing." I try to calm him down by returning him the call of our sacred names that we seemed to have forgotten. They reminded us too much on the ending that almost came too soon for us. Nothing is the worst thing I could have possibly said and I knew it, but I did it anyway.

"If you say so." He does not argue with me any further, which surprises me. He is always dying to know what is on my mind, but I always somehow manage to block the things that are lurking there away from him. I do not want him to know what is on my mind, I am afraid of finding out what it could mean if he did. I don't want him to. Not ever. But for how long can I go on like this?

I hold him close yet again, trying to wipe the concern away from his face, from his mind, knowing that I am the one who caused it. "It really is nothing Yugi." I am not really sure who I am trying to convince here. Yugi or myself. "Come on, lets go home, it's getting late."

They did not exchange another word, not even by the mind link. They both walked home slowly, side by side like always, but only Yami knew what was the reason for demolishing their moment of joy and happiness. Feeling of self doubt, wondering whenever he had the right to walk into his life like that, despite the fact that they proved love to each other time and again. Like a sin that could never be forgiven, the past actions and the life they lived today made Yami feel guilty and unworthy. Or something that went even beyond. Was it regret? What did he regret? Was he afraid that Yugi was the one who was regretting? Regretting letting him so close?

Finally arriving at their home, they both entered wordlessly, dropped their shoes, and sat together in the sofa in their living room. They were quiet for a while but then they started the usual talks as Yami pushed all his problems in the back of his mind, going to his old self again, which made Yugi wondered what really happened at the bridge just few minutes before, what was the cause of the sudden torment in the eyes of his darkness. It was just a moment, but it was enough.

Yugi did now know that the memories that Yugi himself brought out were the cause of it, the memories of the past, the past which connected to the present and onto the future... Yugi forgave him for everything long ago, but it was not his forgiveness that Yami needed. It was the feeling of reassurance and safety. The feeling of belonging.

But if Yami was somehow able to push it aside, Yugi was not. He kept staring at his darker half with troubled expression, his eyes were asking same question all over again. Yugi wanted to know, wished to know. He wanted to help, he did not understand why. What could possibly be that bad that Yami would be afraid to tell?

"It was nothing, I was just wandering in my own thoughts. Daydreaming." Yami had to say it before Yugi did. A fake smile found it's way on his face. He saw it in Yugi's eyes, just like Yugi saw it in Yami's. The concern was all back again.

"Yami - "

"Shhhh." Yami cut him off, putting his own finger acros Yugi's mouth. "Say no more, my love. I am fine. Now wait here while I get us something to drink. It was a long walk and we are both thirsty."

Yugi had no choice but to remain where he was, with a dumb fooled expression, watching Yami leave for the kitchen. It wasn't like him, running away like that, without even allowing Yugi to ask.

In the kitchen Yami reached for the first glass to fill with drink. Seeing one in the kitchen sink, he grabbed it and took in on the table, but just when he was about to place it on the table, it slipped from his fingers and fell to the floor, shattering on thousand pieces. Yami sighed in annoyance, this was actually third glass he broke this week. Quickly he got on his knees, trying to pick the shards from the floor, not even noticing he cut himself when he picked them with his bare hands. It didn't matter, he wanted to clean the mess out before Yugi would notice. But it was already too late.

"Yami, what are you doing!" Yugi immediately ran to Yami, kneeled before him and hit his hand gently so Yami dropped all pieces of the broken glass from his hand. He must have heard the noise when the glass fell down.

"I am sorry Yugi. Grandpa is definitely want me to get him new set of those."

"The glass? Look at your hands!" He sounded worried like Yami was missing half of a hand and not just have a few cuts on it. Yami looked at him, surprised. "Yugi, it is nothing, it's just -

"Yes, it's nothing, just like that thing before...It is always nothing..." Tears started to form in the deep violet eyes of a smaller boy. He lowered his head down, holding Yami's hand covered in blood in his own. Yami couldn't say a word. Speechless, now he was the one who had to figure out what was wrong. Inside, he knew what had to be done, but the words didn't come out.

"Yugi, please - "

"Why won't you let me close to you?!" Now Yami was the one who was cut off. The edge and the tone of Yugi's voice, the desperate look that was searching for an answer was the knife in the heart. A thousand knives. He had caused this pain to his light. Again. He didn not deserve this. Yami did not deserve Yugi.

"Yugi, you are as close to me as a person can be close o someone. Yugi, I love you-"

"Do you?" Yugi looked directly into Yami's eyes wit a sad, or disappointed eyes. The eyes that still loved. "I was told, you told me that being in love is being a partner in heart, a partner in everything." The tears from his eyes have fallen. Slowly falling down his pale cheeks, tortuously slow, a sight painful to watch. "Do you still not understand?" Yugi almost yelled at Yami, trying to show him the obvious, the thing Yami did not see, was afraid to see. Or couldn't see. It was all too good to be true.

He loved him with all his heart, and knew that Yami loves his back just the same if not even more, but that emotional gap between them – the fact that Yami never spoke about what really bothered him made Yugi think that he is sometimes unhappy with the life he lives with him.

He was willing to suffer. To die for the things he cared about. For love, for the right choices.

"Love isn't you. Love isn't me either. Love is both of us together, hand in hand and thought in thought. Why won't you let me save you..." The fear and the torment Yugi felt every time Yami distanced always from him, even if it was just for the moment was slowly killing and devouring both. Yugi's words were quiet, but they were echoing loudly inside Yami's head.

"You will always be the other me. What you feel, I feel. Even if you pretend you do not care I know you do. But why are you hiding yourself from me?"

Feelings were overflowing, it was too much to take for both of their hearts.

"I don't know..." Finally, both of them raised their heads and looked into each others eyes. They were past the point of no return.

"I am afraid. I want to be with you so much... But sometimes I feel like I am choking you, taking your life away, still being tortured by my past memories, and the pain I caused, mistakes I made..." Yami was fighting off an urge to shed tears in front of his partner, suppressing his emotions yet again.

"I am sorry... I am so sorry... If I knew - "

"You don't have to know." Yugi jumped in. "Don't try to know. Don't try to think. Just say it. Look into my eyes and remember. We can do this."

I could not believe my ears, or my heart. Despite everything I have said and done, he was there, there for me. He wouldn't leave me alone, not ever. I cannot take it anymore. Tears flow down my face and I can feel some of the pain leaving my soul with them. As they fall to the ground I am finally set free, free from the darkness of my own desires.

"Yugi... do you ever just think, what would it be like, if you never put the puzzle together... And that I never stayed here with you. That I-"

Something disturbs me. Yugi lowers his head, but his lips are smiling. I seriously have no idea how dumb I look right now, and I have no idea what Yugi is so happy about either. Can it be that I finally screwed up until the very end and he is now mocking my stupidity?

He holds my hand in his, takes it to him own cheek and gently caresses himself with it, wiping away his own tears. His eyes are closed so I cannot read anything from them, but then in a split moment, he opens them, but I still can't see anything. Slowly he takes my hand to his lips and places a light kiss on it. It is like this very kiss consumed all the pain I felt inside, but on the other side, they gave the answer to a question I wanted so desperately.

"Never."

In that act of seeing, I am reborn.

I throw my arms around my partner, holding him as close to myself as I could, like there was no tomorrow. The heavy burden is now falling down freely from my heart. One word was enough for him to stifle every doubt I had about myself and his love.. How foolish I was to even doubt his love and devotion to me. Or perhaps it wasn't like that. I doubted myself. I only want him to be happy. He is forever mine and I am his, for all eternity. New tears are coming from my eyes, cleaning my soul and soaking his clothes, but he remains calm, giving me the feeling of security and most important – I know he wants me by his side. I know that it's with him where I belong. I know I must let him save me, because he is the only one that can do that. Without him, I am nothing.

Our chests finally part, but his hand still remain resting on my shoulders, and he is gently wiping away the last tracks of the tears that remained on my face. My light smiles tenderly at me, taking my hands into his own once again, holding them strong as before, taking them to his own chest, to his heart. I feel the fast and strong heartbeat on the palm of my hand, he was literally giving me his own heart.

"Do you feel this?" He continues his quest of my redemption. "I am never letting go."

I lean forward with my eyes closed and searching contact with his lips with my own. He himself closes the eyes, immediately accepting my offer. Our love is blind. There is just a small gap between our lips now, and I let Yugi close it. The soft touch of his hips on mine, the love that is flowing trough them, the slowness of the kiss takes me to a place I have never felt or seen before. World is a blur, everything is unclear except the young lover before me. Right now, he is the only one that exists for me. I return the kiss, not passionate or hot, I let my emotion drive me, drive as both. The best word to describe it is divine. I am sure Gods envied us for sharing this love with each other. And if I had to die now, I would die happy. Die in his arms.

I break our kiss, taking him whole in my arms, lifting him. My aibou is light as a feather compared to the burden I carried inside me just few minutes ago. Laying head on my chest I carry him upstairs. For the first time I don't hate them, because I don't rush to get to my love this time, he is safe in my arms. He holds his hands around my neck firmly and each I step I take along those stairs feels a bit closer to heaven. As we arrive to his room I place my angel on the bed, laying myself next to him. I stroke his hair tenderly once again, until he finally falls into a blessed sleep, but not letting go of my hand, he wants to feel my presence all the time, as much as I want his.. I can't help but to smile at the sweetness of the sight before me right now, and I place one last kiss on his forehead for goodnight.

"I love you, my aibou. Always and forever." Just when I think my partner is asleep, he lazily opens his eyes and smiles back at me.

"I love you too, mou hitori no boku. Always and forever."

At that very moment I finally realized a simple and obvious truth. I couldn't live without him.


End file.
